Your best mini-reviews

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Ocelot
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by Ocelot »

Herbie: Fully Loaded

"I know I saw this movie even though I don't remember seeing this movie. It's like lost time after an alien abduction. They'll ask me where I was from 7 to 9 PM on some date, and I'll say I don't know, and they'll tell me I was watching Herbie: Fully Loaded. And then I'll look up the film and ask where the other 19 minutes went, as it's only 101 minutes long. And finally, the two agents will look at each other, and then me, and simply shrug. They just don't know, and no one ever will."

lisa-
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by lisa- »

Paxton wrote:
lisagirl wrote:i'm pretty happy with my nymphomaniac review, 1000 words split over the two parts:


lisagirl, you should be. Your reviews have a poetic feel. A hard feat to accomplish while referencing fist fucking! I love that there isn't a real change of voice between the movies you love and something like Sans soliel that you rate at a middle tier.


well, thanks.

TheDenizen
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by TheDenizen »

hellboy76 wrote:
martryn wrote:The Dark Crystal
Really creepy puppets. My movie watching experience was forever tainted by a kid next to me jerking off to the female puppet. Can't watch this film the same way since.


A "kid next to you". :lol:

That puppet was pretty cute though, in a puppet next door , kind of way.

I totally would've railed that Gelfling chick.

Probably my fave review of my own is for The Girl Next Door - "Pretty average teen comedy, but Elisha Cuthbert will never be this hot again. This movie was the perfect opportunity for her to immortalize her naked boobs on film and she failed completely."

martryn
Posts: 228
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by martryn »

I've contributed to some of these but are they the ones you're most proud of?


Yes, I am proud of everything I do. 100%.

MikeH
Posts: 23
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by MikeH »

I'm particularly proud of these two of mine:

Noah (2014) - Your Score: 12
"Boring! Dire! Depressing! Pseudo-intellectual! Miserable! Boring! Monsters! Fighting! Angry men! Crying women! Men fighting and women giving birth at the same time! To twins! Boring! Russell Crowe is sad! Frustrated! Conflicted! Serious! Miserable! Boring! Transformers plus 'biblical gravitas'=Noah=formulaic drivel. I felt the full weight of mankind's boring, sinful and misguided past weighing heavily on my shoulders as I struggled to stay awake for 138 minutes."

Sweeney Todd Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) - Your Score: 0
"Watched the first 15 minutes. Everybody sang everything so I turned it off."

On a more serious, pretentious, wannabe film-critic note. I also like this one:

The Master (2012) - Your Score: 100
"The Master is so hard to digest because it is an 'anti-redemption' film. Freddy is no more likely to find redemption in the hands of an egomaniac pseudo-spiritualist fraud than he is in his poisonous moonshine. If the plotline of this film frustrates you, you have missed the point. I recommend re-watching the scene where Freddy repeatedly walks from the wall to the window. Watch it on a loop for at least 2 hours until you understand!"

Tomhet
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by Tomhet »

Man, after going through my mini-reviews, they're almost all hackneyed, pedestrian micro-capsules of armchair psychoanalysis and critical theory I authored while absolutely blitzed. My favorites are the short, smug condemnations of movies I don't like.

The Shawshank Redemption (Score: 30): "Inspirational™"

White Chicks (Score: 10): "The Wayans Brothers? Ther...there's more?"

Varsity Blues (Score: 30): "I used to raid my mother's copy of this and Eyes Wide Shut when I was 8 for the sake of boobies. Quite a difference in quality between the two."

ShogunRua
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by ShogunRua »

Tomhet wrote:Man, after going through my mini-reviews, they're almost all hackneyed, pedestrian micro-capsules of armchair psychoanalysis and critical theory I authored while absolutely blitzed. My favorites are the short, smug condemnations of movies I don't like.

The Shawshank Redemption (Score: 30): "Inspirational™"

White Chicks (Score: 10): "The Wayans Brothers? Ther...there's more?"

Varsity Blues (Score: 30): "I used to raid my mother's copy of this and Eyes Wide Shut when I was 8 for the sake of boobies. Quite a difference in quality between the two."


No joke, I would much rather watch Varsity Blues than Eyes Wide Shut, and even believe it's a superior movie. They're both crap, but one is moderately enjoyable, cheesy crap, while the other is pretentious, boring, moronic crap.

jal90
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Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by jal90 »

My writing is quite boring and shallow, and with only 7 reviews (I used to have more, but they were lost in the process when I decided to reset all my rankings). I guess my favorite is The room (Score: 10):
"This is the one. This is the one I'll be remembered for." --- quote from the biopic Tommy W., directed by Tim Burton Jr., 2038.

Ocelot
Posts: 130
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Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:14 pm

Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by Ocelot »

"It took 57 takes for Tommy to nail that line."

Ocelot
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Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:14 pm

Re: Your best mini-reviews

Post by Ocelot »

Silver Linings Playbook
The most believable thing in the entire movie was Eagles fans beating up an Indian guy.

From Justin to Kelly
The title refers to STD transmission.

Man of Steel
Adapted from hit anime series Dragon Ball Z, iHop Presents: Man of Steel is a complete clusterfuck of garbage that concludes with Superman causing 9/11 as Hans Zimmer's cover of Metal Machine Music blares in the background. Despite mediocre performances from Russell Crowe, Amy Adams and Brandon Routh, the movie feels like a nightmare. It might as well be one. Fuck Zack Snyder.

Zapped!
The Scott Baio of movies.

Saving Private Ryan
The plot of this movie is a platoon of men being sent off to find Matt Damon for no good reason. He's doing just fine, but due to the rescue mission everyone sent to find him is killed, burdening him with misery for the rest of his life, to the point that fifty years later he cries at the tombstone, having been devastated with survival guilt for the rest of his life as the result of an utterly meaningless "rescue" mission. The ultimate guy film!

The Wizard
As a result of this movie, autism sales went through the roof.

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