Your best mini-reviews

[lisa-]

time for you to be an egotistical bastard and heap praise upon yourself. which do you think are your best mini-reviews?

some of mine:

the turin horse - 100/100

the very best films to me - those deserving of a perfect score - are those that somehow capture the very essence of everythingness and nothingness at the same time. a dedication to nietzsche, but beyond his philosopher's rejection of otherworldliness, tarr greets nihilism with a regretful but emphatic embrace of its soulless beauty. and with the knowledge that this film ended his career, one gets the overwhelming sense of complete and utter finality. extraordinary, and uncompromisingly bleak.

dancer in the dark - 99/100

to me, this film is happiness. which is a bit strange considering how transparently it manipulates you into the most depressing circumstances. but the whole point of the movie is the staggeringly beautiful internal fantasy that has been constructed by selma, and how, despite all the awfulness surrounding her, she can indulge in it whenever she wishes. and von trier doesn't destroy this beautiful thing - he in fact nurtures it and celebrates it, which is evident by the final quote of the film.

sans soleil - 50/100

it seems to be about the fragmented and fleeting nature of thoughts and memories, evidenced by how no particular moment in the film is a necessary component, and by how the thoughts expressed are at different times insightful, silly, cynical, humourous, optimistic, boring, etc. but the constant stream of consciousness becomes tiresome, one-note and even irritating over the course of 100 minutes. perhaps there's something meta in that ultimately the narrator's musings are largely forgettable.

[Neonman]

I'm spewing I spent ages coming up with this review for Drive and it still hasn't got any stars.

An interesting vehicle for the character exploration of a lonely soul who merges with the wrong crowd, which Gosling handles with manual reserve. The shifts between slick stylish neo-art and realistic ultra-violence are without stall, driving home the theme of an on-the-kerb anti-social with revved-up tension. Double clutch.

[CMonster]

I have quite a few serious reviews and mean jokes in reviews, but I really like when I come up with silly stuff such as


Gattaca: I was watching Dog Day Afternoon and apparently Al Pacino is a big fan of this movie. GATTACA! GATTACA! GATTACA!

Adaptation: People made a big deal about Nolan's dream within a dream within a dream. That however is amateur shit compared to Kaufman's movie writer on a movie set in a movie within a movie about a movie writer writing the movie that is in the movie that is the movie that you are watching.

Thor: The Dark World: It's always fake Loki. It was fake Loki a bunch of times and I called it every time. Knowing that it is fake Loki is like curling up under a warm blanket. Thor will leave you to protect the nine realms but fake Loki will fake Loki fake Loki. See Thor saw fake Loki but knew it was fake Loki so he told fake Loki to real Loki to not fake Loki. Then real Loki real Loki'd, but then fake Loki'd while being real Loki so Thor thought fake Loki fake Loki...aw fuck it.

I have some good ones that are silly and mean spirited at the same time, but I am better at coming up with those so they don't stand out to me as much.

[Jerky]

I'm spewing I spent ages coming up with this review for Drive and it still hasn't got any stars.

An interesting vehicle for the character exploration of a lonely soul who merges with the wrong crowd, which Gosling handles with manual reserve. The shifts between slick stylish neo-art and realistic ultra-violence are without stall, driving home the theme of an on-the-kerb anti-social with revved-up tension. Double clutch.

It does now, pal....it does now!


Here's my best one as it encapsulates the film perfectly. It's also short and sweet.

Taken 2: The Bourne Paternity!

And according to Criticker users, my best one is for Captain Phillips:

They should have hired Steven Seagal as the cook on this ship. Things would have ended a lot sooner. On that same note, why don't these shipping companies hire private security with weapons for these runs? I'm pretty sure you can shoot a couple of Somalians in the head in international waters without it being a crime. I'm gonna open a school for sniper training and then contract them out to cargo ships sailing around Africa. I'm gonna be rich, kid!!!!

[CMonster]

It's Kind of a Funny Story (2010) - T4(63)

It's not.

I haven't even seen it, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that is spot on.

[hellboy76]

I tend to take the easy way out and make a joke of things.

According to Criticker users my best are:

The Jacket - Your Score: 64
I was more entertained by this than I probably should have been. It subtly tries to fuck the vagina of your mind, but ends up hitting the asshole instead. I am not sure what I mean there. Some good performances.


Devil - Your Score: 58
Important for the facts that it teaches us about the devil. For instance, if you drop your toast and it lands jelly side down, yep the devil caused that.


Weekend at Bernie's II - Your Score: 15
If you didn't think playing with a corpse was hilarious the first time around, boy will this film not change your opinion.


I think my favorite is:


The Next Karate Kid - Your Score: 12
Very confusing, Ralph Macchio's tits got huge, then he went on to win two Academy Awards as a woman, but one was for pretending to be a dude.

[mattorama12]

I think I have written only a dozen or so. On reading them, none of them are really very interesting. This one is the shortest.

It's Kind of a Funny Story (2010) - T4(63)

It's not.

Reminds me of Leonard Maltin's review of Isn't It Romantic?. His review was simply "No."

Weekend at Bernie's II - Your Score: 15
If you didn't think playing with a corpse was hilarious the first time around, boy will this film not change your opinion.

One of the very few stars I've handed out on a movie I haven't seen.

[ShogunRua]

The original Weekend at Bernie's is a comedy classic. The average Criticker tier for it being a 3.62 is one of the most shameful failings of the entire community.

[Paxton]

Adaptation: People made a big deal about Nolan's dream within a dream within a dream. That however is amateur shit compared to Kaufman's movie writer on a movie set in a movie within a movie about a movie writer writing the movie that is in the movie that is the movie that you are watching.

This has always been one of my favorite reviews of yours. But it's in close contention with your short but sweet review of Taken.

[CMonster]

Adaptation: People made a big deal about Nolan's dream within a dream within a dream. That however is amateur shit compared to Kaufman's movie writer on a movie set in a movie within a movie about a movie writer writing the movie that is in the movie that is the movie that you are watching.

This has always been one of my favorite reviews of yours. But it's in close contention with your short but sweet review of Taken.

This is probably my version of Navin getting his name in the phone book. Things are gonna start happening to me now.