Favorite Mini-Reviews

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Barthalen
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by Barthalen »

I guess I tend more towards starring reviews that get a good laugh out of me or reference the private life of the reviewer in some way than the ones that are informative. In any case, I enjoy following 'the works' of Paxton, Davidblast, Kojiless, Spleen, Carpetgiant, KasperL and Cinema_Asia and a bunch more than I can't mention because their checks haven't cleared yet.
A few reviews that I liked a lot:

BillyShears, on Elysium.
"Proper health care is science fiction to Americans."

Paxton, on The Benchwarmers:
"Alvin York was a pacifist that was drafted into WWI. He tried to make a conscientious objection, but ultimately decided to join. In combat he was forced to use his weapon in deadly fashion, but he singlehandedly captured more enemy soldiers alive than anyone ever. When tasked with a mission he morally objected to, he managed to break his own code and in doing so, save more lives than he ever could have otherwise. That's what he did with his life. You're online reading a review of Benchwarmers."
And on Get Carter:
"The youtube preview on the films page is a frozen image of a naked Michael Caine holding a shotgun with an old woman in the background. So, yes, I loved this movie."

Sheepslasher, on Jack and Jill:
"The raging erection I have from giving this a zero is unfathomable."

Judge Holden on True Lies:
"I've never been so relieved to see Arab terrorists interrupt a striptease."
And on Chicago:
"Don't feel too bad for me. I made her watch Seven."

mwgerb on Star Trek Into Darkness:
"To safely go where everyone has gone before."

Kojiless on Zombie Nightmare:
"Like a kick in the groin from a legless hobo, there is no real pain, but somehow I still feel violated."

karamazov.
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Re: re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by karamazov. »

AFlickering wrote:i also recommend off the top of my head:
undinum - killer writer, uber-knowledgable and number 2 TCI. maybe my fav kump actually, although he should write more.
paulofilmo - one of the most insightful and unpredictable voices on here, nice dude too.
JakeAesthete - unapologetically individual, self-described sensualist iirc. 10th tier is a treasure trove.
The Way - mostly for the lols. i've had run ins with him on rateyourmusic, he's an ubermensch or something.
cloak - only writes occasionally, but clearly an intelligent cinephile. i could say that about quite a few of my kumps actually.
Vesupria - another buddy, another dick.
pompousass - one of the better writers on here, and writes a lot. warning: may be a pompous ass.
Valenzetti - another standout writer.
SlantMag - doesn't really count, but it's capsules from one of the best online movie mags around.

and then of course there's the pro (or near enough) critics like chaw, Mike D'Angelo, wokelstein, Mr. Mxyzptlk... who don't write much on here but have been excellent elsewhere.

Yeah, I also read paulofilmo, JakeAesthete, and a few others of these. Will have to look out for the rest.

Barthalen wrote:Kojiless on Zombie Nightmare:
"Like a kick in the groin from a legless hobo, there is no real pain, but somehow I still feel violated."

That's pretty good.

dunbar
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by dunbar »

I've enjoyed browsing through this thread, now and in the past, but I haven't got much to add really.

Although I've always appreciated KasperL's reviews. When it comes to favourites I don't have any of his per se, he just seems to take the time and effort to comment on a movie in an articulate and descriptive way.

Also, when I read "favourite mini-reviews" I can't help but be drawn towards the more funny/witty ones that are out there. My first introduction to a Boobjuice review springs to mind:

Waterworld (1995)
Boobjuice wrote:This got universally panned; everybody thinks it's stupid (for good reason), so what is there to say that hasn't been said? Well, there's this: Kevin Costner is my real father. I was conceived on the set of this film when Costner bedded a dolphin. Right now I am clumsily pounding this keypad with my cumbersome fins. Of course, none of that is true, but nobody's ever said it.

ShogunRua
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by ShogunRua »

I was thinking that The Other Woman (2014) looked like an updated version of the The First Wives Club (1996), the latter a loathsome piece of trash I regrettably watched. I came across three amusing reviews;

Cinema_Asia wrote:A film about wealthy and wretched NY women with nasally whiny voices plotting to destroy a cheating Jaime Lannister. It's essentially a vehicle for quasi-feminist male bashing with zero introspection or personal accountability. Nicki Minaj's enormous baboon ass almost looks like a CGI effect. If you're coerced into watching this I highly recommend going into deep state meditation to avoid having your ears and eyes filled with shit. Better yet just avoid this at all costs.


(Admittedly, I disagree with him about giant female asses; I happen to be a big fan of them!)

guy piranha wrote:a pair of boobs (upton), a bipolar muppet (mann) and a transgender mummy (diaz) set out on an epic quest to serve every cliché in existence, justifiably pranking (in that exclusively unfunny female way), playing and poisoning the evil man who dared cheating on their classy asses. you might think "well, that sounds rather dull and uninspired", and you're absolutely right! it's an abomination, and i just watched it, so you do not need to. ever. do not let my sacrifice be in vain! now go! uurghh...


Pickpocket wrote:A bizarre, irrational, sick and sadistic movie that glorifies girl power all because Jamie Lannister likes to get his fuck on? I honestly feel bad for Melissa Stack and anyone that comes into contact with her because she devoted possibly a year of her life to write this guy bashing neo-feminist garbage (hint: get over it, cunt). The irony of it is that she wanted to vilify men so bad but ended up making the women look worse due to the most shallow and predictable writing I've seen in years.

frederic_g54
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by frederic_g54 »

As a Frenchman, I laughed wholeheartedly at this one (areels' review for District B13: Ultimatum):

It's a french movie. Why do french people are still trying to produce movies. Movie producing must be banished in France.


Image

karamazov.
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by karamazov. »

[spoiler]Didn't find "Meek's Cutoff" [2010] terribly interesting, but I keep coming back to the last sentence of theficionado's review-- perfect summary of its thesis:
theficionado wrote:The claustrophobic aspect ratio is only the first indication that Reichardt intends to mess with the prototypical Western: The mythic good vs evil, lawlessness vs order binary is transfigured into something much more complex and extraordinary. As the wagon train's moral conundrum slow-burns all the way to its apex, we're left at the point at which hopelessness transforms into something haunting and humanist, where faith in your fellow man is, no matter your hand, the only real choice you have.


Also, it seems theficionado starred one of my mini-reviews, so I guess I can now fall content into the arms of death.[/spoiler]

TheDenizen
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by TheDenizen »

DesertPunk's glorious review of Halloween III: Season of the Witch -

"When I woke up this morning, I wasn't thinking that not 15 hours later I would be watching Tom Atkins' naked ass squeeze itself into some khakis. Sometimes life is a roller-coaster."

:lol:

Jellysauce
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by Jellysauce »

when i first joined this site i was still a weird teenager, and because of that i ended up deleting just about all of my reviews because i saw all of them as sub-par and my writing ability in general just to be adolescent and embarrassing. but i just wrote two reviews im kind of proud of. hopefully i can keep it up. nothing is as satisfying on this site as writing a solid review.


edit:

i had completely forgotten i had even wrote this but its by far my favorite review i've ever done:


-Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony
"I thought we were going to explore the dark underbelly of the my little pony franchise and their insane obsessive fans, instead I watched a love letter to the fans. Absolutely disgusting"

frederic_g54
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by frederic_g54 »

thehynes' review for Interstellar:

"And in the news today, area man who was found hiding in the bookshelf of a young girl's room states that he got there by falling through a black hole whilst trying to save the human race. Next up, sports & the weather."


Well played, sir.

Velvet Crowe
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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Post by Velvet Crowe »

I rarely post here on the forums but I do like using this website a lot. I've come to like a lot of the reviews a lot of people put up here and I find this community a lot more respectable than other places I've gone to. When I started I didn't really put up too many reviews on what I watched, but now I pretty much go out of my to do so each time I watch a movie. Sometimes I just make a complete troll review, but most of the time I try to be legitimately honest about it.

That said, though, I tend to like the following guys the most:

ShogunRua: I've known him before I even signed up here and think he's a pretty great guy. his reviews and opinions generally are at a stark contrast with most people, but I like that about him because he always backs it up. I like his reviews the best when he completely insults the movie and is incredibly harsh about it.

Kojiless: Well, everyone loves this guy. What else could I say about him?

Barthalen: I always laugh at this guy because a lot of his reviews seem to be about him getting wasted/drunk or questioning his sanity. I also like that he's into comics and such like I am and can respect his opinion on a lot of things even when I don't agree with him.

Cinema Asia: I never really found this guys reviews to be very funny but he always strikes an interesting argument against/for a movie that I always tend to like.

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