Favorite Mini-Reviews

[TheDenizen]

Oddly enough I find Madeline Stowe kinda hot, so it all comes full circle...or something.

But now that you've mentioned it, I can see the resemblance to MacDowell...

[Pickpocket]

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3ppba2/

all i could think of. you're delusional or gay

[TheDenizen]

well my review was pretty clearly hyperbole, but IF in some fantastical alternate reality I was able to line up every actress in Hollywood aged 18-55 in the order I would want to bang them, then yeah Andie MacDowell would be way at the back.

[hellboy76]

well my review was pretty clearly hyperbole, but IF in some fantastical alternate reality I was able to line up every actress in Hollywood aged 18-55 in the order I would want to bang them, then yeah Andie MacDowell would be way at the back.

I would bang her, but I would make her moan with Glenn Close's voice.

[TheDenizen]

I would bang her, but I would make her moan with Glenn Close's voice.

[frederic_g54]

tomelce's reviews are always impressive, even though I only ever understand about 50% of the words he uses.

Kinda how I felt when I read this:

Margaret:

Yeah, this film is absolutely incredible. Conversations as minefields, with the imprecision of language lending itself to the explosiveness of undiluted emotions, typified by the operatic heights of the central character's self-absorption. "Life on the edges" is a central feature here, with distraction paramount to the characters' lives, the messy sprawl impossible to escape or compartmentalize in a hopelessly fragmented existence.

[overrated]

Caligula

this film is best experienced while masturbating in a tub of spiders

[by Devol]

by Squarehead (has quite a few whacky reviews)

Golden Age
There I was, enjoying what I thought was a sumptuous and eye-pleasing historical drama with a smidgeon of political intruige when, suddenly WALLOP! I'm watching Die Hard, but with Clive Owen as Sir Walter Raleigh on a one-man suicide mission to sail a fleet of fire vessels and destroy the Spanish Armada. Luckily for our hero, he manages to swing off on a rope just before the big bang and swim back to his lover! UTTER BOLLOCKS. An insult to what little intelligence I do have.


by begoniabol

Waterworld
Had a cool explosion though

[TheDenizen]

some recent good ones

Laid to Rest

Crappy acting? Pshaw. Adam Sandler makes his living off of crappy acting. But his movies don't have heads cut in half by a guy who wears a chrome skull and drives a Mercedes.

1776

No one got laid after taking their date to this. Oh my lord, I watched all 2 1/2+ hours of this thing.

Hunger

In the first half, McQueen shows us that a deep, compelling story can be told with almost no dialogue at all...and then BOOM, he kicks us in the groin with one of the most epic one-take dialogues in modern film. And then he shows us Fassbender's groin. Game, set, penis.

Rock of Ages

By the third 80s rock medley I wanted to hang myself with leather pants

The Smashing Machine

An uninteresting documentary about a really dumb and stupid sport. I watched it because it featured Bas Rutten, and I'd watch anything with Bas Rutten. Kick to the head, knee to the face BAM BAM

The Raid: Redemption

From a cinematic perspective, The Raid is an empty, repetitive piece of trash. From my perspective as a guy who loves to watch dudes get beat up real good, The Raid is balls-to-the-wall amazing. Well, more like balls-through-the-wall-and-then-this-guy-does-two-flips-and-dropkicks-five-guys-while-dodging-machetes-amazing. Best action movie in way too long.

[ShogunRua]

The Smashing Machine

An uninteresting documentary about a really dumb and stupid sport. I watched it because it featured Bas Rutten, and I'd watch anything with Bas Rutten. Kick to the head, knee to the face BAM BAM

How dare you...