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Ocelot

Game Freak - 426 Game Ratings

Member Since: Apr 16, 2009

Location: Acton, Massachusetts, USA

Bio: I love movies. I like talking about them. Feel free to message me and call me a stupid asshole if you disagree with one of my reviews, or if you just happen to feel like it.
more Recent Ratings
20 9% Gradius (1985) - Jan 26, 2019
"this game is fundamentally broken. the only way to win is to assemble a ton of power-ups, but they get reset once you die. from then one, it's nigh impossible to reclaim them. what's the point of having a life system at all? why not have an armor system, where three hits and you're done? the answer is quarter-munching, so fuck you."
35 25% Jenga (1983) - Jan 20, 2019
0% Candy Crush Saga (2012) - Jan 20, 2019
"this game hates you and your family. it wants your loved ones to die. that is an admirable quality in a game with a narrative, but this does not have one. it is a choose your own adventure where every path leads in parents messaging the app store because their child accidentally bought 40 million plums or whatever. everyone behind this should be put to death; or, worse, forced to play their own creation"
15 5% Guess Who (1982) - Jan 20, 2019
"racial profiling awareness tool for special needs kids"
80 91% Final Fantasy VII (1997) - Jan 19, 2019
"even playing this for the first time 22 years later, it is great. what struck me most is how different it is from what the developed fandom led me to believe. I was under the impression it was a game about an emo kid who falls in love with a flower girl. instead, it has a giant laser named after a Velvet Underground song, and Cloud and Tifa have sex before the final battle. in other words, it rules, and it's a shame JRPGs went towards what people thought FF7 was rather than what it actually is."
50 42% Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse (1989) - Dec 29, 2018
"Trevor Belmont confronts the two greatest nemeses of his family: Dracula and stairs"
55 49% Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance (2002) - Dec 29, 2018
"one of the easiest games I've ever played. loaded it up in an emulator and bulldozed it in about three hours. that's not to say it's a problem, but man was it underwhelming in a series that's supposed to have at least, like, one tough boss fight in a game. it's downright amazing that Aria came out just a year after this and blew it completely out of the water."
60 57% Rayman Legends (2013) - Dec 28, 2018
70 76% Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997) - Dec 28, 2018
"it's not perfect. there are a lot of bizarre vestigial elements left over from the early games (it doesn't make a ton of sense to have pick up and swap sub items when there's an inventory screen) and the level design is fairly bland, especially considering the template Super Metroid left. but while Igavanias would be perfected with the masterpiece that is Aria of Sorrow, Symphony of the Night still holds up quite well in its own right. visually, it might still be the best one, too."
35 25% Star Fox (1993) - Dec 28, 2018
"something about this feels wrong. the entire point of a flight simulator is to create a kinaesthetic experience like that of being a pilot, and that doesn't work with a D-pad. the first person sequences are somewhat better, but it's worth keeping in mind that this was a tech demo as much as an actual game. following installments in the series would fulfill the promise, but I'm not sure there would have been a chance had this game received the criticism it deserved. Star Fox is better as Zelda."