uses cookies to recognize visitors and provide a better experience. Learn more about how we use cookies in our privacy policy. By continuing to use the site, or by pressing agree, you are giving your consent to our use of cookies.
login | register
0 game ratings

Criticker Newbie - 3 Game Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 56

Gender: Male


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to generate). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead, but it's too late now to change; I'm afraid that ship, like so many before it, has well and truly sailed.) Anything that gets less than 70 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And somewhat annoyingly, I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter as I'm so feeble minded.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

more Recent Ratings
Check out SpikyCactus's...
80 % Syberia (2002) - Apr 19, 2019
"Top badass moment? The chance to explore my feminine side. I think I did pretty well, dealing with so many people who could easily have a second career as the annoying 'nutter on the bus'. I also seemed to be surrounded by incredibly self-centred people; my mother, best friend, boss and that needy, narcissistic asshole of a boyfriend, Dan. Even Oscar, the driver of the most unreliable train this side of South Western Railways, was a bit too full of himself. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
85 % Star Trek: Elite Force II (2003) - Dec 06, 2018
"Top badass moment? Finally getting a snog with Telsia. I liked her more than Kleeya, the bikini babe scientist. Yes love, that’s such a practical outfit to wear when you’re fighting Exomorphs. And Korban really needs to get out of the armoury occasionally. The guy's always in there; it's not normal, even for a Klingon. I found Picard’s gushing complements at the end a bit hard to take too. I think he’d been in the Ready Room, sampling his wine again. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 % Star Trek: Voyager – Elite Force (2000) - Oct 23, 2018
"Top badass moment? Never mind all the shooting and stuff, the Vorsoth are clearly a race that tries to talk its enemies to death by spouting endless propaganda to depress them. By the time I killed the Vohrsoth Leader I actually was starting to believe that I really am just a puny and insignificant human. I guess that’s the trouble with alien scum, it just doesn’t know its place. At least I impressed Telsia, not that it seemed to get me anywhere with her. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."